How you know that you are a seasoned Mum.

At some stage in your parenting journey you will realise that you have crossed an invisible line. This line is the separator between “new- have it together mum” and “seasoned mum”. You wont know until you are borderline psychotic one day and the realisation will hit you harder than a silent but violent fart in a locked car. For those that are all too familiar with this or are wanting to prepare themselves for the shit storm coming their way I have listed a few ways to know you are a seasoned mum.

1. Before becoming a seasoned mum you didn’t understand the obsession with coffee. Now you blame your bad mood on lack of coffee and are wondering where and when you will get your next fix. You tell every barista you need 3 shots of coffee, one for each child you have spawn and then laugh like you have escaped a mental asylum. You will take coffee in any form, at any temperature, and are considering buying a ‘death before decaf’ t-shirt. Your husband may start to be your enabler because he knows what brings you true happiness. That, or the foaming at the mouth look doesn’t float his boat.

2. The husband cleaning the house has now become an extreme turn on. “Move over Magic Mike this man is vacuuming the floor”. “Oh god he’s using that little attachment to get along the skirtings, shit is getting hot up in here!”

3. You have had to mediate a fist fight in the back of a mini-van over a raisin. The fighting is making you psychotic but all you can do is wonder…Was this a long lost grape dehydrated into a raisin or was it always a raisin? The life span of said raisin is not really important right now and you need to leave ASAP because the neighbour just witnessed you splitting the raisin in half with your teeth to resolve World War 3.

4. You can dress 9 children from the boot of your van for all seasons. But when your son has a poo explosion I can bet your bottom dollar there will only be one pink skirt available. Why in the world did I clean the wardrobe, I mean van out. Not only do you have enough clothes to fill up the Salvation Army bin in one foul swoop you could vacuum up your body weight in cracker crumbs and raisins.

5. The mum bun is your only hair style and wearing your hair out is only reserved for going out. That day you wore your hair out ‘mumming’ with an enormous baby chunder in it still haunts you.

6. Your children look stylish, clean and well presented and you feel like a sloth who’s dressed themselves out of the back of a mini van. Oh wait..

7. You look back on photos pre-baby and see how much you have weathered in a few short years. You also have three token grey hairs at the ripe ol’ age of 26, one for each child. See how that same rule applies! You totally embrace those grey hairs because you can’t afford highlights living that povo family life.

8. Your child free friends send you snaps about being exhausted and you laugh like a hyena.

9. Your child free friends spend two hours at your house and need to go home to rest as they now think they are coming down with glandular fever. Cancel that contraception script girlfriend, I got you covered.

10. Things you claimed you would never do as a first time parent you are now all about. Who would feed their two year old McDonalds?….This bitch would. I hear they sell coffee there too, just saying.

11. You actually don’t care that people think you are a hot mess. You tell them all that when you are out of the trenches you are going to be as skinny as a stick insect and get fake boobs and a real job.

12. You become dramatic and join a mum cult. Those mum friends speak your language and are the only ones who would understand your anger on standing on 4 landmines (lego) on the way to the toilet. They are also the only ones who would say “babe you bangin” when you are wearing a weet-bix covered fleece top.

13. You belt out ‘twinkle twinkle little star’ in the car like Adele and don’t give no fucks that people are watching you at the lights. The fact you no longer have kids in the car is none of their bloody business anyway.

14. Your husbands toilet time while you are having a shower doesn’t make you vomit and you class it as quality time with your significant other.

15. You’ve answered the door to the courier with one entire breast out and been embarrassed for a total of 40 seconds because ooh Nespresso capsules have arrived! Those breastfeeding bra’s are a real trick anyway. Click them up-perky boob job, unclick- saggy sacks of skin.

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