When delving into the wonderful world of DIY with your beloved husband or partner there are just a few things to consider for your marital safety and sanity. Firstly, is the health of your left kidney good enough that you could sell your right to pay for someone else to do it?

If things are a bit rocky in your marriage, this is not the time to be pouring petrol on the flames. So avoid these kinds of escapades until you are at least back on regular rooting terms.

Be prepared for your house to lack general cleanliness and order for a while, it will have to look worse before it can look better (or so I keep telling my Husband). Just don’t let it get to the point that you are tucking your child into bed to realise its actually a pile of pink batts.

Ensure you pack away any tools you are using if you have young children. Explaining to your Husband that your 2 year old had an interesting experience sanding is not ideal, nor encouraging.

Sometimes men need a little bit of jollying along, You know the ones…piss assing around about projects and throwing Mitre 10 quotes like “its a big job”. I find the best way to get that ball rolling is to take to the room with a good old crow bar and fill that trailer up like a fatty at the chinese buffet. They will come home thinking you’re manic bitch but that’s ok, because you’re manic bitch that gets shit done.

So now you are balls deep in a DIY project and you have come down off the demolishing high and a little bit of doubt in your abilities creeps in. That’s fine, fake it ’til you make it and get on with some google research to at least fool your husband that things are smooth sailing from here on out. Watching a series of ‘The block’ is now the equivalent of an apprenticeship nowadays anyway aye?

Fencing is a great start in your DIY career. A bit of success in this area can lull you into a false sense of security and now you think you are auditioning for a part on the block. You have got that useless fucking tape measure girl and you are measuring up those fence posts. You have your cement badge, and your gumboots are now dirty. I see you strutting into that Mitre 10 drive thru like you own the show. You are throwing out slang like ‘4b2′ with an unusual tradie accent and you have those tie downs strapped down tighter than your reno budget.

Mitre 10 has now become your favourite place. You even let the “ferals” demolition derby with the mini trolleys. That stand of weed killer was in the way anyway. The person who put a coffee shop in Mitre 10 must of been a woman because by mighty nothing is sexier than a woman carrying her latte and a 4L of deck stain. Unfortunately, Mitre 10 has now also become your husbands’ favourite place and he thinks he needs to purchase $4500 worth of tools to put up a shelf. You have to drag your husband away from the enthusiastic salesman who is weirdly convinced you aren’t living under the poverty line.

Which brings me to the money. Renovating or building anything is so ridiculously expensive you will start to consider that 13k boob job value for money. 4k for lino?! you must have the measurements wrong, it’s for my kitchen, not Pak n Save”

Be very prepared to take everything to heart. When your husband asks you 4 times if something is level before he secures it, it’s definitely him doubting your skill base and knowledge in DIY. All of a sudden you are regarded as legally blind and visualising hitting him over the back of the head with a shovel.

There are some things a woman is just better at, and this needs to be agreed on early in the piece. For example, choosing paint colours…”No, penis pink would not look nice in the hallway” “No, two tone is not all the rage”. “I don’t give two flying fucks if it’s your favourite colour, it looks like the urine of a highly dehydrated person so it’s not happening” Even better when you have these kind of discussions in the paint isle.

So tread carefully my friends, you have been warned. As far as I am aware “disagreement on kitchen splash-back” is not a viable reason for divorce.

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