At some stage in your parenting journey you will realise that you have crossed an invisible line. This line is the separator between “new- have it together mum” and “seasoned mum”. You wont know until you are borderline psychotic one day and the realisation will hit you harder than a silent but violent fart in a locked car. For those that are all too familiar with this or are wanting to prepare themselves for the shit storm coming their way I have listed a few ways to know you are a seasoned mum.

1. Before becoming a seasoned mum you didn’t understand the obsession with coffee. Now you blame your bad mood on lack of coffee and are wondering where and when you will get your next fix. You tell every barista you need 3 shots of coffee, one for each child you have spawn and then laugh like you have escaped a mental asylum. You will take coffee in any form, at any temperature, and are considering buying a ‘death before decaf’ t-shirt. Your husband may start to be your enabler because he knows what brings you true happiness. That, or the foaming at the mouth look doesn’t float his boat.

2. The husband cleaning the house has now become an extreme turn on. “Move over Magic Mike this man is vacuuming the floor”. “Oh god he’s using that little attachment to get along the skirtings, shit is getting hot up in here!”

3. You have had to mediate a fist fight in the back of a mini-van over a raisin. The fighting is making you psychotic but all you can do is wonder…Was this a long lost grape dehydrated into a raisin or was it always a raisin? The life span of said raisin is not really important right now and you need to leave ASAP because the neighbour just witnessed you splitting the raisin in half with your teeth to resolve World War 3.

4. You can dress 9 children from the boot of your van for all seasons. But when your son has a poo explosion I can bet your bottom dollar there will only be one pink skirt available. Why in the world did I clean the wardrobe, I mean van out. Not only do you have enough clothes to fill up the Salvation Army bin in one foul swoop you could vacuum up your body weight in cracker crumbs and raisins.

5. The mum bun is your only hair style and wearing your hair out is only reserved for going out. That day you wore your hair out ‘mumming’ with an enormous baby chunder in it still haunts you.

6. Your children look stylish, clean and well presented and you feel like a sloth who’s dressed themselves out of the back of a mini van. Oh wait..

7. You look back on photos pre-baby and see how much you have weathered in a few short years. You also have three token grey hairs at the ripe ol’ age of 26, one for each child. See how that same rule applies! You totally embrace those grey hairs because you can’t afford highlights living that povo family life.

8. Your child free friends send you snaps about being exhausted and you laugh like a hyena.

9. Your child free friends spend two hours at your house and need to go home to rest as they now think they are coming down with glandular fever. Cancel that contraception script girlfriend, I got you covered.

10. Things you claimed you would never do as a first time parent you are now all about. Who would feed their two year old McDonalds?….This bitch would. I hear they sell coffee there too, just saying.

11. You actually don’t care that people think you are a hot mess. You tell them all that when you are out of the trenches you are going to be as skinny as a stick insect and get fake boobs and a real job.

12. You become dramatic and join a mum cult. Those mum friends speak your language and are the only ones who would understand your anger on standing on 4 landmines (lego) on the way to the toilet. They are also the only ones who would say “babe you bangin” when you are wearing a weet-bix covered fleece top.

13. You belt out ‘twinkle twinkle little star’ in the car like Adele and don’t give no fucks that people are watching you at the lights. The fact you no longer have kids in the car is none of their bloody business anyway.

14. Your husbands toilet time while you are having a shower doesn’t make you vomit and you class it as quality time with your significant other.

15. You’ve answered the door to the courier with one entire breast out and been embarrassed for a total of 40 seconds because ooh Nespresso capsules have arrived! Those breastfeeding bra’s are a real trick anyway. Click them up-perky boob job, unclick- saggy sacks of skin.

When delving into the wonderful world of DIY with your beloved husband or partner there are just a few things to consider for your marital safety and sanity. Firstly, is the health of your left kidney good enough that you could sell your right to pay for someone else to do it?

If things are a bit rocky in your marriage, this is not the time to be pouring petrol on the flames. So avoid these kinds of escapades until you are at least back on regular rooting terms.

Be prepared for your house to lack general cleanliness and order for a while, it will have to look worse before it can look better (or so I keep telling my Husband). Just don’t let it get to the point that you are tucking your child into bed to realise its actually a pile of pink batts.

Ensure you pack away any tools you are using if you have young children. Explaining to your Husband that your 2 year old had an interesting experience sanding is not ideal, nor encouraging.

Sometimes men need a little bit of jollying along, You know the ones…piss assing around about projects and throwing Mitre 10 quotes like “its a big job”. I find the best way to get that ball rolling is to take to the room with a good old crow bar and fill that trailer up like a fatty at the chinese buffet. They will come home thinking you’re manic bitch but that’s ok, because you’re manic bitch that gets shit done.

So now you are balls deep in a DIY project and you have come down off the demolishing high and a little bit of doubt in your abilities creeps in. That’s fine, fake it ’til you make it and get on with some google research to at least fool your husband that things are smooth sailing from here on out. Watching a series of ‘The block’ is now the equivalent of an apprenticeship nowadays anyway aye?

Fencing is a great start in your DIY career. A bit of success in this area can lull you into a false sense of security and now you think you are auditioning for a part on the block. You have got that useless fucking tape measure girl and you are measuring up those fence posts. You have your cement badge, and your gumboots are now dirty. I see you strutting into that Mitre 10 drive thru like you own the show. You are throwing out slang like ‘4b2′ with an unusual tradie accent and you have those tie downs strapped down tighter than your reno budget.

Mitre 10 has now become your favourite place. You even let the “ferals” demolition derby with the mini trolleys. That stand of weed killer was in the way anyway. The person who put a coffee shop in Mitre 10 must of been a woman because by mighty nothing is sexier than a woman carrying her latte and a 4L of deck stain. Unfortunately, Mitre 10 has now also become your husbands’ favourite place and he thinks he needs to purchase $4500 worth of tools to put up a shelf. You have to drag your husband away from the enthusiastic salesman who is weirdly convinced you aren’t living under the poverty line.

Which brings me to the money. Renovating or building anything is so ridiculously expensive you will start to consider that 13k boob job value for money. 4k for lino?! you must have the measurements wrong, it’s for my kitchen, not Pak n Save”

Be very prepared to take everything to heart. When your husband asks you 4 times if something is level before he secures it, it’s definitely him doubting your skill base and knowledge in DIY. All of a sudden you are regarded as legally blind and visualising hitting him over the back of the head with a shovel.

There are some things a woman is just better at, and this needs to be agreed on early in the piece. For example, choosing paint colours…”No, penis pink would not look nice in the hallway” “No, two tone is not all the rage”. “I don’t give two flying fucks if it’s your favourite colour, it looks like the urine of a highly dehydrated person so it’s not happening” Even better when you have these kind of discussions in the paint isle.

So tread carefully my friends, you have been warned. As far as I am aware “disagreement on kitchen splash-back” is not a viable reason for divorce.